One of the most popular subjects in the “None of my business” file is “The wisdom of others’ decision to have a child.” That does not prevent nearly 100% of the population from commenting on this decision, either to the prospective parents (unwise), the commenters’ intimates, or themselves. I have, of course, been on the business end of such judgments; one person seems to regard my uterus as some kind of bomb that might go off any minute and explode another baby. Considering that my husband and I are fairly stable mentally, emotionally, and financially, and considering that our existing kids are all alive and doing okay, I’m not quite sure why this person has such trepidation; but that’s the point, isn’t it? Everyone has a different perspective on the wisdom of adding another child.
When I hear that So-and-So is expecting, I too deliver (unspoken) judgment–anything from “How marvelous!” to “Oh, geez. Really? That poor kid.” So let’s talk about the responsibility of becoming a parent. One side of the continuum is represented by, say, drunken teenagers messing about with no thought to the consequences of their actions; the other by those who meticulously choose the exactly perfect date for conceiving their child to ensure the optimum quality of life. (I.e., they decide not to have kids, because there is no perfect date–only ever-changing downsides.)
Now, age is not as often a problem as I think others believe it to be. I will certainly agree that 13-year-olds of either sex and 50-year-old women shouldn’t be reproducing–health risks, if nothing else–but I don’t believe that an 18-year-old or a 45-year-old mother is necessarily in a terrible situation. A healthy mother with stable relationships, some means of financial support, and sufficient help can be a very good parent even if she is young or old; of course youth and age have their problems (chiefly financial and health-related, respectively), but I’ve known plenty of children who did very well with young or old parents, and plenty of young and old parents who delighted in their children.
Full disclosure: My mother had me at age 43, when my father was 47. My mother has lots of age-related problems, and my father died of cancer when I was just 9, which certainly highlights some of the hazards of having children late in life. I had an increased chance of being miscarried, causing some physical harm to my mother while being gestated and born, and having chromosomal abnormalities. Nevertheless, I’m happy to be alive, I had a splendid childhood until my father’s death, and I wouldn’t counsel against older parents deciding whether to take the plunge.
Number of children is another unreliable predictor of familial happiness. I've known families to do very well at raising double-digit numbers of children, and at raising only one child. The current American preference is, I think, for two children if you’re going to have kids at all, but this preference is cultural and not necessarily the best for any given family.
Real problems include addictions that can trump the child’s best interest, a chaotic family life, and parental immaturity. The first two points should be fairly obvious; the last is nebulous and highly subjective. But as a general rule, people considering whether to reproduce should ask: What is my relationship to the prospective baby’s other parent? I realize that this may offend those who become single parents by choice, and although it is not my wish to offend, I’ll risk offense to say that it is best not to embark upon parenthood unless you think there’s some reasonable chance that the kid will be able to know and grow up with both parents; kids living in single-parent households are at a disadvantage.kids living in single-parent households are at a disadvantage. My own example shows that single parenthood may be thrust upon a person at any time–my dad’s cancer didn’t really care about my familial situation–but just as many but not all car accidents can be prevented, so many but not all unstable family situations can be prevented.
I see I’ve used the word “stable” quite a bit in this post. Anyone who’s raised children or been around children a great deal, such as a teacher, will see why; children who have been shuttled to different homes, must deal with food insecurity, are living with guardians who abuse drugs or alcohol, have been subjected to inconsistent or conditional discipline or expressions of affection, or have otherwise lacked security, care, and appropriate guidance are much less likely to do well than children who have grown up in–let’s use the word one more time–stable conditions. Mind you, this is only a generalization, and children have grown up healthy, decent, and successful in quite dreadful circumstances, just as children born without one leg have grown up healthy, decent, and successful; but you wouldn’t want to chop off a child’s leg unless there was a really excellent reason to do so, as you would be making life harder for the child.
Readers may notice that this post has been addressed primarily to people who are considering whether or not to have children. However, throughout the history of mankind, children have been conceived and born without much thought at all; and for those who find themselves with a child in less-than-ideal circumstances, I would first of all say “Congratulations, you’ve been given a beautiful gift.” (Okay, I might not say that if I think the parent might punch me, but I’d think it.) And now that you have this child, what will you do for him or her? What do you need to do to make things work, to give the child what he or she needs?
I think the bottom line is this: For those making the conscious, deliberate choice to have a child, please remember that this child is not an accessory. And for those who find themselves with a child as a result of an oopsie, remember that this child is not an accessory. This child is an end in his or herself, and deserves to be treated as such.
Lazy Mother Musings 